My Journey from a religion to a relationship
For a long time, I thought God’s love had conditions.
Show up every week.
Follow the rules.
Check all the boxes.
If I did everything right, I’d be right with Him.
That’s how I understood faith growing up. Church was about performance — about being “good enough.” And underneath that system, I never felt like I was.
toxic religious upbringing
I grew up in a big family, and when I was thirteen, my mom passed away. Losing her at that age shook everything I believed about life and faith. My dad remarried, and our family dynamic changed quickly. There was love, but there was also tension — a kind of heaviness that shaped how I saw myself and God.
In that mix of grief and confusion, religion became my control. I thought if I did everything the church expected, maybe things would feel secure again. So I served, prayed, and tried to stay inside all the lines.
But no matter how hard I tried, something inside me always whispered, “You’re still not enough.”
The God I knew back then was more like a scorekeeper than a Savior. He was always watching — not in love, but in evaluation. Every mistake went on the list. Every failure meant starting over.
That kind of religion creates fear. It makes you measure your worth in checkboxes and appearances. And it’s exhausting. I didn’t realize it then, but I was living under a toxic view of God — one that prized perfection over relationship.
Many people grow up in that same cycle. We’re taught to believe that religion will save us, that doing the right things earns God’s approval. But the truth is, religion was never meant to save us. It’s a relationship with God through Jesus that changes everything.
deconstructing relgion
I didn’t have a dramatic moment where I threw everything out and started over. It was more like a long unlearning.
It began with small questions — about why I felt distant from God even though I was doing “everything right.” Why did prayer feel scripted instead of personal? Why did faith feel like an obligation instead of life?
Those questions led me to realize I wasn’t actually talking to God. I was performing for Him.
The more I talked honestly with God — not with rehearsed prayers, but with tears, frustration, and gratitude — the more I started to sense His presence again. Not as a critic, but as a friend.
Deconstruction, for me, wasn’t about rejecting faith. It was about rejecting the false versions of it that kept me trapped.
I can’t pinpoint one exact day, but there was a moment when I realized God wasn’t waiting for me to mess up. He wasn’t keeping score. He was waiting for me to rest in His love.
When that truth settled in, it changed the way I prayed, the way I read Scripture, and the way I treated others. I began to see God as a Father who delights in me — not because I’m perfect, but because I’m His.
He doesn’t want distance. He wants closeness. He doesn’t demand performance. He desires presence.
And that realization healed something deep in me.
Cycle Breaker
I use that phrase — cycle breaker — because I’ve seen how toxic religion passes down from generation to generation. Families teach what they were taught: that God’s love must be earned, that mistakes disqualify you, that appearance matters more than authenticity.
I’ve decided the cycle stops with me.
Now, when I talk to my kids or people who are struggling in their faith, I don’t give them a list of rules. I tell them about a God who listens, who walks with us, who doesn’t turn away when we fall apart.
If you’ve ever felt like faith was just another test you couldn’t pass, I want you to know that God is not disappointed in you. He’s not far away. He’s not waiting for perfection. He’s waiting for you.
from religion to a relationship
When you start seeing God as relational instead of religious, everything changes. Prayer becomes conversation. Church becomes community. Scripture becomes story instead of standard.
The beauty of the gospel is that Jesus already did the work. Our job isn’t to earn God’s favor, it’s to live from it.
And that freedom doesn’t make you care less about your faith. It makes you care more, because now it’s born out of love, not fear.
Looking back, I’m grateful for the faith foundation I had, but I can also see where it wounded me. Legalism taught me how to act, but it didn’t teach me how to heal. Religion told me how to behave, but it didn’t show me how to belong.
God did.
He showed up in the quiet moments — the ones where I was honest enough to say, “I can’t do this on my own.” And in those moments, I realized that was never the point.
If you’re wrestling with faith, doubting what you were taught, or stepping away from a church that hurt you, you’re not alone. Asking questions doesn’t mean you’ve lost your faith. Sometimes it means you’re finally finding it.
God can handle your questions. He’s not scared of your doubts. He’s patient, kind, and nearer than you think.
You don’t need to earn His love. You just need to receive it.
I’m no longer living under the weight of a toxic religion.
I’m walking in relationship with a God who calls me His friend.
And that’s where freedom begins.
My name is Mark, and I’m a cycle breaker.
THIS IS FOR EVERYONE!
This gift of salvation is for everyone.
Where ever you are on your spiritual journey we’d love to welcome you to visit us at eastside.
Our team has compiled some of the most frequently asked questions we get about faith and Christianity as it relates to life, morality, current events, the end of the world, and more. We will explore these questions in ways that I think you’ll find surprising! Why take on these controversial topics? Because these questions are often roadblocks for people when it comes to faith and Christianity. For more discussions on these topics, you can read Eastside’s Got Questions Blog and check out the series You Asked For It.
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