In Oceans Deep My Faith Will Stand

 **Trigger warning – suicide attempt.**

As a child, I was very outgoing and funny….. well I think I was funny. I also felt like the black sheep of the family. I have an older brother who seemed to get all the family’s love and attention and a younger sister who is the angel because she’s the baby. So I felt stuck in the middle, brushed off, and ignored. The older I got the more resentment and anger I felt towards my family. I was craving attention and I didn’t get the love I wanted, so I found myself hanging around the wrong people. Around this same time, I began using drugs and alcohol, which unfortunately really messed with my brain and created even more rage and anger.

I picked fights with people. I fought with my parents. I began breaking into people’s houses for drug money. Eventually, I got arrested and ended up in jail. Instead of learning my lesson, I found myself even angrier. It just made me a negative person all around, and I continued to push my friends and family away.

After I got out of jail, I found a job. There was a guy at work who asked me to go to a “show,” but when I went inside, I realized it was a church. As I am sitting there and I hear the song “Oceans,” and as I am listening to the *lyrics, I immediately start crying. These lyrics managed to put a tiny crack in the wall I’d built around myself. For the first time, I felt hope that just maybe someone loved me. Just hearing this song broke something inside me, and for the first time, I was able to see God as loving. Each week I started coming back and even looking forward to Sunday. It felt like I was just starting to have a little faith when I lost my job.

After losing my job I couldn’t afford my apartment, so I had to move out. As I am moving out my car breaks down in the driveway, and I couldn’t afford to fix it. Then less than a week after that my girlfriend and I split up. I realized how much I had been taking for granted: my career, car, apartment, and beautiful girlfriend. And suddenly it was all gone, and I felt hopeless.

It felt like I had just discovered that God loved me, so I cried out to God. I got a Bible out, but honestly, I didn’t even know where to start. I was crying, I’d lost all hope and felt like what even is the point? I was praying to God, “If you’re here, please reach out. I need to hear something or please give me a sign or whatever.” But I didn’t hear anything. It was silent. I just sat there in empty silence. I felt numb with no emotion. There’s literally no emotion whatsoever. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t mad. I was empty. In that moment all I could think was that I wanted to end it.

The next thing I remember is hearing, “Get up!” Then I heard it again louder, “Get up!” As I come to, I realized I still have a noose around my neck. Either I didn’t tie it right, or I don’t know what happened, but I freaked out, and I had a seizure.